It's hard to believe that it's been a full two years since I posted. Many ups and downs have been had since then, but recently, the Lord has been especially working in my life through prayer. 

When I was lost, I would pray for a minute or so once every few weeks? It was so sporadic and so minimal, that I don't remember having a prayer life. (I still don't understand how I thought I was saved considering I basically had no prayer life) But once I became a Christian, I decided to discipline myself to spend time in prayer daily. I really don't know how I got into the habit of praying as much as where I'm at today, but I remember knowing that prayer and Bible reading were pivotal to the Christian life, and I needed to spend adequate time in both. I knew my minimal lifestyle as a lost person needed to disappear. So I disciplined myself to spend half an hour in both praying and reading and eventually kept upping the time. For awhile, it was hard for me to spend awhile in prayer and reading, but as I continued, the Lord helped me to spend more and more time.

And one day, I had a specific prayer request that I desperately wanted the Lord to answer. So I began to pray a lot for that particular request. It was then that my prayer life took off. I was spending about an hour a day praying because of this request. And praying about the specifics of it too. It was a large request, so I knew baby steps would be taken to get to the answer. When I decided to take baby steps in praying for it, God answered those specific requests. And when I say specific, I mean so specific you knew it came from God and not man when they were answered. That further stirred my desire to pray, not just for that large request, but for others and other things and everything really. I began to be so specific with my prayers that I would ask for a witnessing opportunity during the week or ask for the Lord to provide for a certain need, and those types of prayers were answered. I was absolutely astonished. We all know God answers prayers, but it's amazing to know that He hears us- the littlest of beings. That astonishment turned to excitement, which is what fuels my prayers today.

I can't get enough of praying. I love to pray, and I consider it to be a hobby. It's the most effective tool I have as a believer, and I can use it to serve the Lord when I feel as if I'm useless to the Kingdom. I'm not useless with prayer. With prayer, things can change. Hearts can change. And lives can too. I'm amazed to see the progression discipline had upon my life and not just that but earnestness and eagerness. And I'm very thankful that God used circumstances in my life to catapult my prayer life and make it even better than it was previously. 

Prayer is our way of communicating with our Savior, and we should be in prayer, not because we have to, but because we want to! If God can give me an unquenchable desire to commune regularly with Him, then he can do the same for you too. Consider spending more time in prayer.

When I was saved in March, I had no clue how difficult the Christian life would be. I had no idea of what would soon be required of me.

You see, I had been preparing for half a year to to enter into a doctoral program. I had studied to take the GRE test again, taken it and mismanaged my time but somehow came out with a higher score, applied to a few schools, and then waited. All of this cost a lot of time, energy, and money. In fact, the last university I applied to I had completed the paperwork a few hours before I was saved. I had been rejected by the first two universities I applied to, and I expected the same response. So when April rolled around and I received a letter of acceptance, I was quite shocked. And at an impasse because I felt like perhaps this was not God's plan for me. At first I was adamant that I would accept the offer- of course! Only a fool would say no. But I began to have doubts about that response. I couldn't put my finger on it, but the one thing I had so desired most out of life and what I wanted more than anything else in life, before I was saved, was to be accepted into a doctoral program and begin the long journey to be Dr. Massie. It was a dream in the process of being fulfilled. And now that I was a believer, I was starting to think that perhaps my life was not meant to go in that direction because it had been an idol in my life. The most beloved treasure. The more I thought and prayed about it, the more I wrestled to know what I should do.

As I began to pray I suddenly realized that my motives were for selfish ambitions, which included pride. I realized that the love I had for this program was an idol in my life- I held it in higher esteem than God for the longest time, and it appeared it was still an idol because I knew if I gave up this dream I would regret it for the rest of my life in misery. I know that sounds dramatic, but that's how strong of a pull this dream of mine had on me. You know something is an idol when you don't want to let it go willingly, when only death or a serious wake up call will force you to let it slip from your hands. And then I read the verse in Luke 9:62
"Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”

I was startled by that verse. I had just become a new believer. I had just put my hand to the plow, and here I was looking back at the idol of my heart and wanting to cling to it too. I knew in that moment that God was giving me a choice- Choose your dream and it's and apparent you were never saved to begin with or Choose Me and you have assurance of salvation. At that point I made a 180 and decided to say no to my dream. It wasn't worth the risk the Bible laid out for me. 

(It's here that I want to be clear that sometimes dreams are good things, and sometimes God allows our dreams to be fulfilled for His glory, but the baseline of my dream was selfish ambition rooted with pride and idolatry. And I only realized that my desires were sinful when God revealed it to me as I read His Word. And if they're sinful motives, then we cannot pursue those things until our desires are pure and His alone.)

With a heavy heart and sobbing (no, I'm serious), I replied to the email respectfully declining the offer. I was so attached to this idol, I don't remember crying more or harder in my life that day I made the choice to give up my will. That's how tough it was. And that's also a sign something is an idol. But I did it, and it was only because of God. I could have never done that on my own. I had initially purposed to accept no matter what the cost, and here I was balling like a child surrendering the very thing I said I never would.

I don't know if I'll ever apply again. I'm working on ridding myself of selfish ambition and pride at the moment, so until I have conquered those, I can't go back. I do know that sometimes God does allow us the desires of our hearts, and other times, He does not. Nate Saint had a dream of becoming a pilot, but felt God calling him to be a missionary. He gave up those desires and God gave Nate back his dream by allowing him to become a missionary pilot. Whereas Oswald Chambers had the dream of becoming an artist, but relinquished those desires when God called him to the ministry. Chambers never used the gift he had as a career like he wanted. And these are just a few stories of how God uses and even at times discards our desires to conform to His desires. For me, so far He has said no. And if He says no for the rest of my life, then that's what I have to accept because Christ is my Lord now. 

Surrender is a lifelong process, and it is difficult when you make things idols. God gives us the grace to surrender though. I would encourage you to look at your life and see what needs to be surrendered. What is God telling you to relinquish? We all have something God wants us to give up for His glory. And though we may not know why right now or how our life will pan out, we trust that God has an even better journey for us than we could have possibly planned.

It seems that Christians today are so flippant about holiness. We seem to have made it into a game to see how much we can get by with without actually sinning. How much can we drink before we get drunk? Let's drink to that limit. Let's have a Bible study at the bar and just not get drunk or indulge in inappropriate talk while those around us do. How about we watch a movie with sexual content and just fast forward through the inappropriate scenes?

All of these little exceptions to the rule have seeped into Christianity and made it useless to even call oneself a Christian. 

God demands holiness, and it was first noted in the law given to the Israelites, God mentions that the first fruits of one's labor are His, and the firstborn children are as well. Even though this was an Old Testament command geared towards the Israelites, one can see just how important being wholly devoted to God actually was. In fact, it expands more so into everyday life as well, not just tithing and children. Exodus 22:31 states, "You shall be consecrated to me. Therefore you shall not eat any flesh that is torn by beasts in the field; you shall throw it to the dogs." The list of requirements ends with a very generic statement that these people belong to Him and therefore must be dedicated in every way to Him. 

If God was concerned about every bit of the Israelites' lives being devoted solely to Him, how much more every aspect of our lives? 

Of course, we may not need to devote our firstborns to the ministry or eat special foods, but God's example of what holiness looks like is something not mirrored in today's society of "Christians." These ridiculous notions that entertaining some inappropriate content at times and not at others is absurd. God would never condone that! When we give our lives to Christ it's an all or nothing situation. It's not, "Let me abstain from sex until marriage but watch porn in the meantime." It's not, "I won't watch Game of Thrones, but I will watch R-rated movies." It's not, "Let me have God on the side and spend the majority of my time doing whatever I want."

God wants all of us or none of us. There's no in between. If we can't give God our all, are we true believers? If we look so much like the world, are we actually lost?

Count the cost of giving God your all. Giving your all means turning from the things of the world. It means setting aside our need for constant entertainment. It means setting aside our desires for His desires, no matter the cost. Are you willing to count the cost and make the change?

Young people tend to get so caught up in the present. We tend to think that life will always be as it is- happy and carefree. But we live in a fallen world, and that's not the case. There's a judgment day coming sooner than we think. As I was reading back to one of my favorite classic series, Anne of Green Gables, in Anne of the Island we see Anne's friends all grown up and going about their lives. In particular there's one girl we have watched grow up named Ruby Gillis. Ruby is about twenty, and she's dying. Lucy Maud Montgomery chose to portray death in her novel, and she captured it quite well. As Anne sorrowfully reflects Ruby's life, discussing Ruby's fear of death and desire to stay on earth instead of pass on to eternal life:

“I can’t help it,” said Ruby pitifully. “Even if what you say about heaven is true—and you can’t be sure—it may be only that imagination of yours—it won’t be JUST the same. It CAN’T be. I want to go on living HERE. I’m so young, Anne. I haven’t had my life. I’ve fought so hard to live—and it isn’t any use—I have to die—and leave EVERYTHING I care for.” Anne sat in a pain that was almost intolerable. She could not tell comforting falsehoods; and all that Ruby said was so horribly true. She WAS leaving everything she cared for. She had laid up her treasures on earth only; she had lived solely for the little things of life—the things that pass—forgetting the great things that go onward into eternity, bridging the gulf between the two lives . . . 

Ruby was so focused on boys, parties, and fashion, that she never took the time to get eternal matters straightened out. And if she had, she wouldn't have cared so much about those things at all:

"Heaven could not be what Ruby had been used to. There had been nothing in her gay, frivolous life, her shallow ideals and aspirations, to fit her for that great change, or make the life to come seem to her anything but alien and unreal and undesirable. Anne wondered helplessly what she could say that would help her."

And here Ruby was in the story at death's door. She had wasted her time on silly things. Today's generation of silly things would be selfies, social media, one upping others, posting our possessions, buying the latest and greatest technology. All things that don't matter in the scheme of things. Ruby's frivolity was different, but still, she hadn't thought of getting right with God until the end. Unfortunately the book claims that being a church member saved Ruby from hell, but in if this were a real story, Ruby would have ended up in hell as she never took the time to repent and see how ridiculous her life was.

And it's Lucy Maud Montgomery's story that makes death such a real concept for those who are young and unaffected much by it. It could happen to us sooner than we think. And what will become of you when you have to face death with a guilty conscience?

The partying, drugs, sexually immoral lifestyle, and other sins will be judged. Although they may seem fun right now, it's a temporary pleasure that's exchanged for eternal pain and gloom.

Contrary to the popular saying that one would rather be in hell with friends rather than Heaven with none, your friends will not be talking and laughing with you in hell. You will be in so much pain you will most likely be unable to talk. The screams and anguish will most likely be deafening without the ability to hear a word spoken. Hell is full of constant torment. How would you have time for fun? What here on earth is worth eternal pain?

The things we may do now because we don't think we will die young or soon could be what dooms us. That indulgence in sin could be our last indulgence. And if professing believers are indulging in habitual sin, be wary that you might actually end up hell, finding that you were not a true believer!

I say these things with an imploring and sorrowful heart. I have had a couple of people pass on, not young, but still heartbreaking, and it was a gentle reminder about preparing my heart for my eternal home, not to think so much about the material things I have or concern myself with work constantly, but to be truly focused on desiring God's word, praying constantly, and leading a life that reveals such. Those things are eternal, and when I get to my home in Heaven, I will not regret that I didn't indulge in worldly sins. What I will regret is that I didn't store treasure in Heaven sooner. 

If you're not saved, I would encourage you to get right with God before it's your last day. For those who are, I would encourage you to surround yourself more with the house of mourning than the house of feasting to understand the gravity of eternity. To situate your mind on the eternal and prepare for that day we look forward to.

God gives each person a different trial to go through, and part of overcoming that trial and seeing victory is the ability to overcome complaining and self-pity. 


I remember one time seeing the social media page of a young woman who was particularly sad at her inability to find a spouse. She grieved over her lack of love, understandably so, but it wasn't just once in a blue moon, it was often. When she finally received the desire of her heart, a spouse, everyone was joyous for her. But alas, once she was married she started to grieve over her inability to have children. That became her all-consuming thought, infiltrated the majority of her posts, and I don't remember ever seeing anything really but complaints about not being a mother. 

I wondered if she realized how odious she had become. Did she even have any friends? All she talked about was what she didn't have. It was always about her. Her grief. Her loss. And yet, at the same time, I thought of all of those people out their suffering silently. Those who harbor deep depression. I thought of my great aunt, suffering a terrible weight, carrying a heavy load knowing her husband had been diagnosed with a fatal disease and only had a year left to live, and yet when I saw her face after this diagnosis, it was full of kindness and gentleness. You would have never known what pain she was going through. Or a friend's mother suffering with cancer. She bears it so well, only thinking of others. She never complains. Yes, she updates everyone on her progress, but she doesn't keep the focus on herself, when she has every right to. For those who bear their burdens alone, who will be there for them when we are so consumed with our pain? What will our God say to us when we could have prevented the suicides of people around us, but failed to do so because we constantly complained and focused on that miserable pain in the back we'd had for a decade? What good are we as Christians when we focus on self-pity?

In comparison to death and trauma, some of the trials we face are miniscule. They are not dismissed by God as trivial, but God doesn't want us to dwell on a trial to the point where it consumes us. That is not God-glorifying. It is called complaining, whining, and self-pity, all ungodly character traits. And unfortunately it seems that this is all too common amongst Christians with the easy access of social media. It is much easier to put our heart on our sleeve instead of standing strong in Christ, bearing our burdens gracefully, incorporating a prayer group for the times when we feel like we will fail.

Consider this: Is the trial that I am facing, big or small, a hindrance to my testimony? Here are some ways to test this:

1.) Does almost everything I post, or every message I write discuss the trial I'm facing? If so, you have become focused on self instead of God. It's time to redirect your focus.

2.) Have friends dropped off the face of the earth ever since I began experiencing this trial? It could be because they don't want to bear your burden, but most likely it is because the relationship centers on you as the focus.

3.) Do I post just to receive sympathetic comments? Do I secretly enjoy the attention? If so, this is a red flag that the focus is off God and on you.

4.) What am I doing with my trial to impact others for Christ? Can you think of something beneficial to do with your trial? There's always a way to reach out to others with the same trial to encourage them.

Take a step back to reflect on self-pity versus suffering. As Christians, we will endure suffering. That is certain. God wants us though to take up our cross. Instead of complaining, seek God out continuously and help lighten the burdens of others. Use your trial for God's glory and as an example to others.

One thing I've noticed about the mind is that it says many things that are true and many that are untrue. One of the biggest lies the mind perpetuates is that God will stop forgiving us, that He will simply cut off His love for us no matter how hard we beg His forgiveness. I've heard stories from people who didn't believe God wanted to save them or that they just weren't part of the elect, and no matter how hard they begged, they didn't believe God heard their prayer. And for some this may seem silly, but for others who are struggling and wondering if God will forgive them, you might be thinking this too. 
He could just suddenly stop forgiving us. After all, the Bible talks about how God has the ability to do as He pleases with us because He made us (Rom. 9.21). So this would follow that idea. He isn't obligated to forgive us. We are considered unworthy and undeserving of forgiveness, so it would follow that God could suddenly take his mercy from us and choose not to forgive us. Right?

Wrong.

You can breathe a sigh of relief. The book of Jonah tells a much different story about forgiveness. If you remember, Jonah refused to obey God, was punished, and then restored. Jonah was forgiven, despite the fact that he purposefully disobeyed God and had no intention of obeying God until God created dire circumstances. When Jonah was at his weakest, though undeserving, God heard Jonah's prayer and forgave him. I know what you're thinking. Well that was one story. One example. Maybe Jonah was the exception. 

Let's take a closer look.

Remember the Israelites before they left Egypt? They cried out to God for help. He saved them. Remember when David was fleeing Saul? He prayed to God to save him, and God responded and did so. Remember the evil king named Manasseh? One day he was extremely sorrowful for his sins, and God forgave him. And what about those Ninevites? The evil Assyrians? God forgave them once they tore their cloaks and repented of their sins. If you look at all of the stories of people who cried out to God in repentance, God saved them. He never says "No." 

But the Bible does say that there is a time when God will not hear the cries of those who call out, and that's reserved for those who purposely live in sin, unremorseful. Sin separates us from God, and if we hold onto it, God won't listen to our cries for forgiveness. This is written about numerous times, "If I had cherished iniquity in my heart, the Lord would not have listened" (Psm. 66.18). 

Notice the key term: repentance. So if your mind tells you God won't forgive you, ask yourself if it's because you're dwelling in unconfessed sin. If that's not in, then your mind is fooling you- a ploy of Satan to get you to live a life of misery with a disconnect in communication with God. If you're one of the penitent ones, then you have the Bible to reflect back on and recognize that everyone who called out to God for forgiveness, repenting of their sins, was heard and forgiven. 

It's as simple as that. God's love is so great that He won't purposely slam the door on us. He won't say "No" to a sinner begging at His feet. As long as you are alive on this earth, God extends His mercy to the truly sorrowful. 

God will forgive the penitent sinner!