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Monday, April 5, 2010

Dying to Self

I do have some big news! An interesting twist of events has been in the making. It is a bittersweet feeling though. Lately I’d been thinking about quitting my job. The thought became all-consuming though as of yesterday. I was torn between staying or leaving. I was so frustrated and confused inside, that I cried out to God, begging for Him to show me the way. As I prayed, it suddenly occurred to me why I was so confused. I realized that I’d been running from God this whole time. There I was, praying to God to help me out when I had been unfaithful to Him for quite some time. I realized that having my job was just a way to escape from drawing close to God through prayer and studying the Word. I never realized that I’d been filling my life with other things so as to block out God, yet that’s what I had been doing, hoping other things would satisfy me so I wouldn’t have take up my cross daily. I also realized that I’d been running from God for so long concerning some things He had revealed to me, months earlier. Way back, months and months ago, I’d felt God wanting me to focus on acquiring the skills and character traits of a Proverbs 31 woman. I had ignored the calling, feeling that it was silly to quit my job for something I was sure people would ridicule me about. Recently though, as I finished my degree, I realized, through the help of my parents, that my choice to have a career was out of God’s will. I had struggled for so long, wondering what to do with my degree, but then I realized He wanted me to focus on acquiring the character traits and skills of a Proverbs 31 woman. This was also a difficult choice as I was embarrassed to tell people about my decision, knowing I’d face a lot of criticism for my decision to not seek a career. I felt peace about this decision, and I received much encouragement from many friends concerning my decision, more reassurance from the Lord that I was following His will. Although I had recently realized that I needed to focus on that as opposed to having a career with my degree that I recently acquired, little did I know that I hadn’t fully surrendered my will to God’s will. As I prayed, I realized that if something is hindering me from completely drawing closer to God and doing His will, then I must remove that object. I cannot describe the unbelievable peace that enveloped my soul. I felt at rest- finally. I realized that I needed to stop running from God and face His will for my life rather than run from it continually. So I gave my two weeks notice today at work- which wasn’t easy for me. I felt awful and sad, but never did I once feel torn or confused like before. I knew my decision was of God- even though it would be looked down upon by the world. I had also prayed, the night before, that if this decision was of God, He would allow friends to help instruct me to learn these skills and allow opportunities to arise for me to acquire these skills, as the door hadn’t seemed to open before when I decided not to take on a career and focus on these skills and attributes. God was waiting on my to fully surrender my life to His will, because that night I had my prayer answered; furthermore, once I got home from work a door opened to learn one of these skills- these were truly God-sent! I felt so encouraged by God, that I had finally done His will- after hindering myself for so long! I have a long road ahead of me though, as I have a stubborn and feminist leaning mentality. I was so opposed to His will, because I enjoy working, I love getting a paycheck, and I love being out in the workforce. I couldn’t bear to stay at home all the time, nor did I want to learn “housewife” skills. My mentality was that of the world’s mentality, so I all I could think about was how bored I would be without a job, what a failure I would be for not even using my degree right now and having a career. My thoughts were bombarded with these feminist thoughts. I am now at rest with those issues and feel content because I have now fully submitted to God and His will. I am here to glorify God with my life and conform my dreams to His will for my life. My life is not my own. It will now be the issue of realizing that God’s will is always best, as I should know by now. Every time God has closed a door, something even better than I could’ve thought of has occurred within my life. I know God’s will is more wonderful than I can imagine, so I’m trusting and resting in Him right now. He has blessed me with so many encouraging Christian friends who have encouraged me to follow His will, which has most definitely helped me through this time in my life. So here I am, focusing on God right now, waiting on His good timing. If He wants to send along a job opportunity for me later on, then spectacular! If not, then that is fine as well, I am trusting in Him right now.